A Quick Word in the Xmas Rush

In the light of my earlier post, but in a much lighter and more trivial vein, here's a piece I wrote aeons ago (though have revised in the light of the world wide wonder web...) It is more than a little influenced by the monologues of David Kossoff in a previous generation.

Lord, Do you have a minute?
I hope so, because I don't see how I'm going to fit you in between now and the New Year.
You know what it's like.
The first three weeks of December disappear almost as quickly as my money...

I hate shopping.
I particularly hate shopping at Christmas.
Lot's of people with no time...
Lot's to buy and none of it's for me...
Bells ringing all around, on cash registers, devouring my money...
Seven days a week almost 24 hours a day, the song goes on
Glory to God in the High Street
And on earth, complete and utter chaos…

On every other street corner stands a Santa
In ill fitting red nylon suit and fake-fur trimmed wellies.
Wishing everyone a happy Christmas... Ho! Ho! Ho!
Shop at Woolies! Ho! Ho! Ho!
What a way to make a living!
I wonder if you need special qualifications to be a Santa?
A GNVQ in Ho-Ho-Hoing!

Its the same every year...
First there's the Christmas cards to buy... Charity of course...
This year I'm supporting Combat Cancer, the Hospice, Christian Aid
And a retired donkey's home in East Sussex...
And of course they're printed on recycled paper...
As is my wrapping paper...
Costs three times the price and looks like its been made
using potato prints & food dyes by a nursery school somewhere in the third world
But we've all got to do our bit...

After the cards are written and sent off...
Which you've no sooner done than you get one from someone you've forgotten...
Well, after that, it's present time…
I rack my brains trying to think what to get Uncle Godfrey and Aunt Hilda
But it always ends up the same
Old Spice aftershave for him, so he can smell like a Christmas pudding,
And a calendar for her... Kute Kittens this year
Kute with a K of course
Kute kittens doing kute things like sitting in goldfish bowls
and playing with balls of wool
Funny that, they don't have any pictures of a kute (with a K) kitten,
Tearing the wallpaper off the dining room wall, or being sick on the bathmat...

“Don't be spending too much on me!” I always tell my friends,
But for years I still spent six days traipsing in and out of shops
Looking for fabulous presents for them.
Well, I wouldn't want to look cheap…
Now I do all my shopping on the internet, were possible…
Thank you God for ebay and amazon…
because now I don’t have to brave the cold and the queues…
Yet despite the wonders of the world wide web
And the information superhighway
I still don’t have enough time for everything that needs doing.

No, there'll be no rest ‘til Christmas day
Shopping, writing cards and wrapping presents
Swapping cards and opening presents
Oh it's lovely...I've always wanted a porcupine foot scraper...
Parties, carol services, parties and Christmas lunches
There'll be no rest 'til Christmas day
When I collapse on the couch
Stuffed with six pounds of sage-and-onion and dead turkey
To fall asleep in front of the Queen,
Only waking up to find Aunt Hilda flicking through the channels on the TV
To find some good family entertainment
Like a circus or Disney time or Reservoir Dogs.

No rest 'til then....
So I'm sorry Lord,
I won't be able to fit you in for the next few weeks
Hope you don't mind, just booked up
You know what it's like
No room in the diary.

David A. Campton © 1992 and 2007


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