Looking for Love


I suppose I was looking for love, but I got more than I bargained for. Everyone talks about love... But there’s precious little of it about. When I was a kid, my Mum and my Dad both called me “Love...” “Love, would you give me a hand to set the table...” “Would you run down to the market for me, Love...” “Look love, would you clear off and give my head peace...”
It’s an easy word to say... its not so easy to find. And let me tell you I’ve looked. I’m not blaming anyone else... I made my bed, and I lay in it... The only trouble was I lay in it with someone else’s husband. He told me he loved me... he promised he would divorce his wife, but of course that never happened, and when the God squad broke down the door, and dragged me out of bed, he just sat there... Said nothing. And why they just picked on me I don’t know... There were two of us in that bed... The law says we’re both guilty... But its one law for men, and another for women in the eyes of the Pharisees.
They dragged me out into the street, half-naked... I thought I was a goner. They’re not allowed to stone people... The Romans put paid to that... They’ve got more sophisticated ways of putting people to death... Like crucifixion. But they would never crucify you for adultery... Too many of the Romans themselves would end up on crosses if that were the case. But even though it’s not allowed, I still thought I was done for... They took me to a Rabbi, who was teaching in the town... they threw me on the ground in front of him and asked him to pass judgement on me.
He was a strange man... Not like any other Rabbi I’d ever seen. He didn’t quote scripture, or other teachers... He crouched down on the ground in front of me and doodled in the dust with his finger... Then he looked up at the crowd and said: “If any of you is innocent... He can throw the first stone.” Innocent... that lot! I knew, from personal experience that quite a few of them were far from innocent... And they knew it too. They were horrified. They looked at me... Looked at the Rabbi again, and turned away, one by one... Even the leaders... The real holy rollers.
While all this was happening, this Rabbi just went back to his pavement art. He only looked at me for the first when everyone had gone... But what a look. In his eyes I found all the love I had ever looked for.
“Where have your accusers gone?” he asked. “I don’t know.” I said.
“Well, I don’t accuse you of anything. Go on home. But mend your ways.”
And I did. I picked myself up off the ground and out of the gutter... It hasn’t been easy. It won’t be easy. I still have one big physical reminder of that day. (Runs her hand over her belly). But that day I found love. And now, I’m ready to share that love... Not only with my unborn child but with anyone who would accept it. Without having to share my bed with other women’s husbands...
Other people find it hard to accept that I’ve changed. Some of the men who dragged me into the street that day, have shouted insults at me when they see me, and have said that the Rabbi was going to get his come-uppance. I didn’t know what they were talking about, until I saw him again this morning... It was the first time I had seen him since then, and strangely it was on the same street were I’d met him before. This time however, he was half naked... And carrying a cross.
I couldn’t believe it. I thought it was a sick joke. But I followed the crowds out to the execution ground, and I watched them nail him to the cross. I stood and watched him die. I watched the light fade from his eyes... And yet they still seemed to be filled with love and sadness right to the end.
But why crucify him? Was it the Pharisees getting their revenge? If it was it seems strange that the Romans wouldn’t allow them to stone a woman for making love... But that they crucified a man for showing love...


Written for an event at the Waterfront Hall on Valentine's Day 2001. The original performer, my good friend Diane Holt was pregnant at the time, but the producer had thought that I was going to perform it. I may have inflated ideas of my own acting ability, but they would not go so far as to dare to play a pregnant woman.



Comments

Mr. Moo said…
As I started to read this I thought you were writing personally - which led to some wild 'I didn't know that' thoughts...

Thanks for sharing!
Great Auntie Di said…
I would just like to say that although I have certainly used Method Acting in my work in the past - the fact that I was pregnant for this part was merely a happy coincidence!

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