I'm heading off on sabbatical to Holden Village in Washington State at the end of this week, where I am speaking about Jonah among other things. I was asked to preach at vespers there this coming Sunday. Foolishly I said I would do a responsive version of the set Psalm for that Sunday Psalm 42 or 43, which seemed appropriate in that Jonah found himself literally "down in the depths..." Unfortunately I now don't have time to prepare that together with everything else I have to do, so I slightly reworked this paraphrase of Psalm 42 and 42 that I wrote some time ago when I was in a particularly bad place. Thankfully I am no longer in that place and part of the means of escaping there was this discipline of lament and rehearsing the goodness of God. Today I have been with others who are in a bad place, and there will be many others there too... I hope these words help:
As a wanderer in the desert gasps for water,
so my soul is gasping for you, O God,
My heart thirsts for God, the real God
for the living God of action,
instead of the dead God of empty words,
a life-giving oasis,
rather than the mirage that is always just out of
reach.
I long to leave this earth and live with God.
My only drink is my tears,
I eat myself up from the inside out,
Three meals a day, breakfast, lunch and dinner.
While I hear myself saying:
"What sort of a man of God are you?"
Here I am pouring out my heart and soul to you:
The shadow behind the masked-man who leads your
people,
Standing smiling at the front of your house, O
God,
Singing songs of joy and leading the people in
prayers of thanksgiving.
Why are you down in the depths, my soul?
Why so unsettled and unsure?
Focus on God, and praise him;
Praise him until you mean it…
my Saviour and Sustainer.
My soul is weighed down within me;
therefore I will go over and over all that you
have done…
remember your deeds from the dawn of time...
Reflect on your works from one end of the world to the other.
But I heard the turbulent depths within me
echoing the roaring depths at the foot of Niagara;
I felt myself being knocked over and broken by breakers,
washed away by waves like those in the Atlantic
Ocean .
I found myself buried up to the neck, and more
by the encroaching dunes of the desert wastes.
I know the LORD loves me night and day
We sing of his everlasting love all the time.
But I pray to the God of my life,
I say to God, my Rock
"Why do I feel like you have forgotten me?
Why do I feel like I am mourning,
Deserted by friends, far from family
surrounded by legions of enemies?"
surrounded by legions of enemies?"
My health is failing as my mind turns rebel
and joins the other side saying,
"Where is this God you’re always talking about?"
Why are you down in the depths, my soul?
Why so unsettled and unsure?
Focus on God, and praise him;
Praise him until you mean it…
my Saviour and Sustainer.
Prove me right, O God,
Make your presence felt in the midst of this godless wasteland;
Prove yourself to the secular scoffers, and to me.
You are supposed to be God, my stronghold,
So why do I feel that I’m standing on the wrong side of the moat
and the drawbridge has been pulled up?
Again, why do I feel like I am mourning,
Betrayed by those I trusted and
besieged by a legion of enemies?
besieged by a legion of enemies?
Send your love light as a torch and your truth as a compass,
So I can hike back up, through the low-lying clouds,
to the heights of holiness, to the place where you dwell.
I want to go to the throne of God,
My God, the wellspring of joy and source of delight.
Then I will recover my voice
My whole being will become an instrument of praise,
O God, my God.
Why are you down in the depths, my soul?
Why so unsettled and unsure?
Focus on God, and praise him;
Praise him until you mean it…
my Saviour and Sustainer.
Selah
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