Skip to main content

Phoning Home

Joseph is speaking into a mobile phone.
Hello, Mother, it’s Joseph… Joseph… your son! Yes, I know it’s been a long time since I last rang, but I’m afraid I’ve been rather busy… (Joseph looks rather bored) Yes Mother, I’m still here… Oh, I’m fine, fine… Mary? She’s fine… The carpentry business… Yes, it’s fine…
Look mother, I think I ought to come round and see you sometime soon… Oh, it’s no trouble, I’m actually in Bethlehem for the census… Ah, well, of course I would have stayed with you, but I, um, knew how busy you’d be with everyone coming home for the census, without the three of us landing on you… Did I say three? I did!? I was talking about Mary, me and the… um… donkey… That’s it… No its OK we got a room… well more of a stable really… Oh now, Mother, don’t get upset… I only said stable because it’s full of straw and animals and… (sniffs air) things. No what I should have said is “Stable-Like building…” extremely stable-like!
Mother, are you sitting down? Well, its just that I’ve got something to tell you that I really think you would be better hearing in a seated position… Ready?
I’m a father… only I’m not… What I mean is that I’ve got a son… in a manner of speaking… What I’m trying to say is that Mary has had a baby boy which is, I suppose, in some sense mine, if not actually my own… In so many words… If you get my drift… Mother? (no reply) Mother? Mother, are you still there… (Suddenly holds receiver at arms length) Yes, you are still there, are’t… Well, if you’d just let me explain! (Shouting) Well what would you do if your fiancée told you she’d just been discussing family planning with an Archangel? Of course I didn’t believe her… At least not until I’d talked it over with him myself…
Yes I know it doesn’t take an angel to make a baby… Of course I remember you teaching me about the birds and the bees! How could I forget? I was 10 year old at the time, and I spent the next 2 months in terror of being stung by a wasp in case I got pregnant.
Look sorry mum, I‘ve got to go. We’ve got guests… 4 shepherds 3 oriental diplomats, and a baby lamb, No I know it doesn’t sound terribly hygienic having a lamb around a newborn baby… But things are getting out of control here… See you soon. Give my love to Father.
Adapted from a monologue entitled "Maternity Ward" by Nick McIvor in his now unobtainable book "The Greatest Burger Ever Sold." He gave me permission to use and adapt his stuff years ago but when I tried getting his permission to post this, I had no joy in tracking him down.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Woman of no Distinction

Don't often post other people's stuff here... But I found this so powerful that I thought I should. It's a performance poem based on John 4: 4-30, and I have attached the original YouTube video below. A word for women, and men, everywhere... "to be known is to be loved, and to be loved is to be known." I am a woman of no distinction of little importance. I am a women of no reputation save that which is bad. You whisper as I pass by and cast judgmental glances, Though you don’t really take the time to look at me, Or even get to know me. For to be known is to be loved, And to be loved is to be known. Otherwise what’s the point in doing either one of them in the first place? I WANT TO BE KNOWN. I want someone to look at my face And not just see two eyes, a nose, a mouth and two ears; But to see all that I am, and could be all my hopes, loves and fears. But that’s too much to hope for, to wish for, or pray for So I don’t, not anymore. Now I keep to myself And by that
2 comments
Read more

Psalm for Harvest Sunday

A short responsive psalm for us as a call to worship on Harvest Thanksgiving Sunday, and given that it was pouring with rain as I headed into church this morning the first line is an important remembrance that the rain we moan about is an important component of the fruitfulness of the land we live in: You tend the land and water it And the earth produces its abundance. You crown each year with your bounty, and our storehouses overflow with your goodness. The mountain meadows are covered with flocks and the valleys are filled with corn; Your people celebrate your boundless grace They shout for joy and sing. from Psalm 65
3 comments
Read more

Living under the Empire... (2) Where is Babylon?

We were driving back from school last week, talking about books that we had been reading and my younger son, Ciaran, asked me "Where is Babylon?" I have to confess that my history is better than my geography, and I said that it no longer exists as an inhabited city, but its ruins were to the north west of the current capital of Iraq, Baghdad. When I checked however, I discovered that it is actually about 50 miles south of Baghdad and the modern town is the administrative centre of the province of Babil... But just as the modern city is but a shadow of the historic capital of 2 ancient empires, first under Hammurabi in the 18th century BCE and then the "Neo-Babylonian" empire (under Nebuchadnezzar etc) in the 6th century BCE, so the earthly Babylonian empire/s was/were fleeting in comparison to the enduring metaphorical idea of Babylon. The original Empire under Hammurabi was probably the ultimate origin of some of the early Biblical stories, including the &quo
Post a Comment
Read more