HUSBAND: When Herod came to
dinner we
locked
up the silver cutlery-
though
king of God’s own chosen nation
he
had a certain reputation.
One
thing we were grateful for -
his
guards remained outside the door.
They
said they didn’t mind it snowing
and
whiled away the time by throwing
javelins
at next door’s cat
the
neighbour’s curtains twitched at that.
The
wife set an extra place or two
for
the Ethiopian eunuchs who
he
brought along to taste his food.
I
said “His timing’s very good,
dropping
by on Christmas Day;
we
were entertaining anyway.
Herod
chewed the turkey fat
and
chatted about this and that-
the
cost of temple services
the
relative advantages
of
burnt offerings and frankincense -
HUSBAND: We seemed to have his confidence
and
in a weak, unguarded minute
(just
like me to drop us in it)
I
brought up, casually aside,
the
subject of infanticide.
Remembering
John the Baptist’s head
I
was concerned at what I’d said
but
then we saw, to our surprise,
a
twinkle came in Herod’s eyes.
HEROD: “Why,
don’t you know what brought me here?
Well
then, I must make it clear!
I”ve
come to pay my compliments
to
fellows with a common n sense.
Say,
don’t you think that we might be
in
the same business, you and me?
I
kill by violence, you neglect -
and
here you’ve earned my deep respect
for
I can only be selective:
your
methods are much more effective.
Just
let an open sewer stink,
give
him no clean water to drink
or
basic medical supplies
and
see how quickly one child dies!
you
now eliminate about - “
HUSBAND: (he took his
calculator out)
HEROD: “- forty thousand every day”
HUSBAND: He smiled and put the thing away.
HEROD: “You can destroy whole continents
simply
by indifference.
But
though I like what you don’t do
your
actions are impressive too.
You
take the mineral resource,
the
inexpensive labour force,
most
of the profits they can earn
and
then you leave them in return
Coca-Cola
and Big Mac,
debts
they never can pay back,
spare
change you feel good in giving,
cardboard
packaging to live in.
A
hundred million children now
sleep
on the planet’s streets somehow
apprenticed
into useful trades
like
prostitution, drugs and AIDS -
though
I’m both cruel and sadistic
I
can’t compete with that statistic.
That’s
big league stuff compared to me
who
butchers a baby boy (or three).
A
toast is called for now, I think.
This
Christmas evening let us drink
to
all the damage that’s been done
by
looking after Number One!”
HUSBAND: He raised his glass up to his head -
the
wine it held was rich and red-
and
looking round from face to face
he
said:
HEROD: But we should say
a grace!”
Give
thanks to those in direst need
who
starve so we can overfeed
and
die to do us sinners good.
We
eat their flesh and drink their blood.
Do
this, as oft as you remember,
at
least once every December.”
HUSBAND: Then Herod laughed, and drained his wine.
Somehow
I couldn’t stomach mine.
Selah
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